Pellmann News

Let’s talk about my process so far.

Grief strikes everywhere.  For me, grief typically comes in the form of a bad grade on an exam.  However, this past March, my nervous system was exposed to a new reality.  

On March 7 of this year, my dad died.  Though we disagreed politically, my father was the strongest number one supporter I could’ve asked for.  Sure, there are aspects of his parenting that I wish I could go back and change, but I’m still alive and doing alright so he must’ve done something right.  Now, let’s talk about some things I’ve learned throughout this process.

1. Sadness isn’t always the most prominent emotion.
   • Can you guess what I did right after I found out my dad died?  I sat down at my desk, opened my computer, and finished readings for my law class.  From that point on, there were many reasonable times where I was sad: seeing my mom and sister again, seeing my dad prior to his cremation, etc.  Call me selfish, arrogant, and narcissistic (all words I’ve heard before), but for me, the most prominent emotion was annoyance. Annoyance that I had to return to “normalcy,” annoyance that I was going to be the one everyone felt sorry for, annoyance that I was going to be the one graduating, getting married, and starting a family, all without my dad.  Though it might not seem like it, I am aware that this process isn’t all about me.  What I’m trying to say is that even though sadness is the most expressed emotion for some people amidst grief, for others, their most evident emotion can be different.
2. The “Dead Loved-One Alliance”
   • Having lost someone so close at a young-ish age, it’s weird to think about the fact that my older siblings (ages 30+) got to live so long with their dad/stepdad around.  But amidst this strange feeling, I also feel as though people that have lost a close loved one have this unspoken connection.  When I left for my study abroad this past March, someone on my trip shared the passing of their dad when thy were in college and from there, we kind of had this unspoken bond. It’s something that you can’t really put words on, but it’s there.
3. Grief is the best teacher when learning how to console others.
   • Some people are naturals at consoling others, but if you’re like me, you don’t know what to say or how to act when confronted with the challenge.  From losing my dad, I learned how annoying (there it is again) it is for people to say, “I’m sorry,” or, “I’m sending my condolences.”  You can call me entitled, selfish, and ungrateful, but imagine how often I hear those two phrases.  Maybe try something like, “I heard about your dad and am here if you need anything.”  Sure, I’m most likely not going to be reaching out, but the fact that you’re willing to sacrifice your time and resources at my request is what truly makes me feel seen.  I guess this makes sense when I tell you that my receiving love language is acts of service though, right?

These are just a few thoughts about my grief recently.  If you’re reading this, text me!  I’m not the best at responding fast, but I would appreciate hearing from you.